Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
