Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
