Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
