Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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