she woke up with a sticky ear
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize