wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
