Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize