When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
