Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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