My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
