I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
