he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
