Moan for me like Helen Keller
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize