Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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