I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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