I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
