"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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