dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
