when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
