So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
this hospital has no fireball
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
