just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i came on her dog
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
