Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
