I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
