nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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