Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize