I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
