i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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