My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
