he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
