I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
