The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
