guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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