I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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