I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize