I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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