I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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