Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
