About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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