So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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