i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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