I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I need water and some morals
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
