Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
