it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
