Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
