she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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