i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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