grandma shit on top of the toilet
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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