She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
