I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
why is half of my head shaved?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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