i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
