im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My balls are so social today.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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