update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
