It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
