You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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