I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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