Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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