did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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