you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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