I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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