It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
