mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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