oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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