I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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