Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
