I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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